Surrogate & Parent Relationships
Being a surrogate means inviting a new set of people into your life. Many surrogates who reflect on their experiences with their intended parents look at those relationships as some of their healthiest and most fulfilling. And like any relationship, both parties give and take.
For instance, Kristin, an intended parent, shares an interaction she had with her surrogate:
“Around the 12-week mark, I asked our surrogate if she would start texting us weekly bump photos so we could see how our baby was growing. She quickly agreed, saying that she'd be happy to share the pregnancy in any way she could.”
Every surrogate/intended parent relationship is different, and you and your intended parents will decide together what yours will look like. We know from experience that some relationships develop quickly while others take a more slow and steady path. Our best advice is to always be honest and upfront about your emotions and feelings so your relationship can be built on trust.
It's okay to be vulnerable.
5 Ways To Build a Relationship With Intended Parents
Below we spill the tea on how you can build a healthy relationship with your intended parents.
Be Open & Honest
The best thing you can do to have the best relationship with your intended parents is to be as open and honest as you can. Healthy relationships are built on trust. You can have an amazing relationship with your intended parents that lasts just the length of your journey, or one that continues years beyond the birth of their baby. No matter the length, the relationship will be special because you’re building it together.
Share What Makes You & Your Life Special
The more you’re able to share with your intended parents, the better they will get to know you and your family. Having your kids be part of your calls with them will show intended parents your “mothering” side. Showing them around where you live if they come visit will give them a glimpse into what you love about your hometown. Open up about things outside of pregnancy and surrogacy: what your family does together for fun, stories about your extended family and anecdotes about what makes you, YOU!
Aim For Face-To-Face Time & FaceTime
Think of all the times you’ve sat across from your best friends to have a cup of coffee or a good meal. You want to make those moments happen between you and intended parents when possible, even if they are virtual moments. Your first opportunity to do so in person will traditionally be whenever you visit their IVF clinic for the embryo transfer. If you’re able, find time to spend time with your intended parents outside of the clinic. Other opportunities for interaction include having IPs join appointments via FaceTime, and a possible in-person meet-up for the 20-week anatomy scan. And – of course – the biggest get together of all: delivery day!
Include Them in the Surrogacy Journey
Texting and FaceTime make keeping up relationships so much easier! Once you determine your comfort level with connecting with your intended parents, text them pics, jump on FaceTime calls when you’re shopping for maternity clothes, or find other ways technology can make it easier for you to keep up your relationship.
Practice Empathy
At the end of the day, as a surrogate, you are experiencing a pregnancy that your intended parents may wish they could be experiencing personally. You’re giving them such a gift. Their excitement for this finally happening may make them overzealous to connect or may make them feel more protective of their hearts from past losses. Practicing empathy will help you hold their experience and put yourself in their shoes, which may help you navigate how to manage the relationship best.
No matter how your relationship with your intended parents unfolds, remember that what you’re doing is amazing. You are all trying your best to make this the most comfortable and joyful experience, and with good communication, there’s no challenge you can’t overcome together! Setting clear expectations will go a long way towards keeping you and your intended parents on the same page.
Surrogate & Intended Parents Roles & Responsibilities
Between Surrogacy.com and your surrogacy agency, we’ll work to ensure that your and your intended parents’ roles and responsibilities are clearly outlined and that everyone knows what they will be held accountable for.
But before we even get to that, let’s break down each party’s responsibilities!
What Am I Responsible for as a Surrogate?
Your top priority as a surrogate is to have a healthy and happy pregnancy! You’re doing an amazing act of kindness by helping intended parents grow their family, and all the energy and time you put towards your pregnancy moves the needle (sometimes actual IVF needles) in the right direction.
Here’s a checklist of what you’re responsible for as a surrogate:
You are open and transparent with our Surrogacy.com team about your dream surrogacy journey and intended parents. This helps ensure we can match you with the right agency!
You are open to communicating with intended parents, your agency, and Surrogacy.com. There’s no such thing as TMI – be ready to share.
You are accountable and willing to follow medical advice and medication protocol required to accept embryo transfer. You’ll be responsible for timely adherence to a medications calendar, attending appointments and communicating with the clinic.
You commit to showing up on time and staying consistent throughout your surrogacy journey.
Last but definitely not least — you stay healthy and happy as can be!
What Are Intended Parents Responsible For?
Intended parents have done much legwork before meeting their surrogate. For instance, they’ve kick-started the embryo creation process and matched with their agency (your new agency!).
Here’s a checklist of what intended parents are responsible for during the surrogacy journey:
They are financially responsible for any incurred expenses throughout your surrogacy journey. At the beginning of the journey, they will fund an escrow account (a third-party bank account), which will cover all costs
They will support you and share in all the milestones you hit during your journey! They are Team Baby all the way
They are as accountable as you are for being transparent and open communicators to help ensure as smooth a journey as possible
They are encouraged to try to meet you IRL at least once during your journey, and spend time with you and sometimes even your family
They are held accountable for trusting your judgment and instinct when it comes to your pregnancy. This isn’t your first time being pregnant; they’ll know this from the start!
A surrogacy journey is about dividing and conquering where possible so that the stress is minimized and there is a lot of room for excitement and joy. Along with your surrogacy agency, we will help keep you on track and help liaison with intended parents so that everyone is on the same page!
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Blog Posts
A 9-to-5 Guide for Employed Surrogates: How Does Surrogacy Work Legally?
Learn more about the legal considerations for surrogacy, including workplace rights and how to talk to your employer.
Surrogacy Requirements: Can You Be a Surrogate If You Had a C-Section?
Learn how agencies evaluate delivery history and what makes you an eligible surrogate.
Your Guide to Surrogacy Travel: Navigating Appointments, Delivery & More
Travel is sometimes part of the surrogacy experience, from clinic appointments to delivery planning. Here’s what to expect and how agencies make it easy.