Magical Hearts
By: Lynn
My reputation proceeded me in print and
someone who had read my stories found out we were in the market for a
surrogate. The fertility grapevine is pretty thorough. Mandy
contacted our agency and requested us. That was a new way to find a
surrogate and we welcomed the change. We invited her and her family
complete with children and dogs, to come to our house one Sunday
afternoon so we could meet them before making a decision. We had been
putting up a new fence in our back yard with our neighbors and barely
got cleaned up before the doorbell rang. We all introduced ourselves
and pressed on through the always awkward stages of meeting someone
who will carry your baby.
Mandy was a nice person and certainly eager. She had a little girl less than one year old, but was ready to have a baby for someone else. We discussed the process and firmly put out our needs, determined to establish it all from the start. Our friends Juliet and Dave came over with their four year old to meet them as well. Let's face it, we had been through a lot and needed a seal of approval from someone on the outside we trusted before starting again. At the end of the day, we decided to try with Mandy.
Let the testing begin: Blood for her and her husband, psychiatric testing and questions about insurance and money. We cleared up the questions and were proceeding when Mandy called and asked me to meet her at the mall near my home on the way from work. We spent some time talking and shopping. I was wary, not wanting to get too close, but we had a nice time. She confided in me that her real purpose for having our baby was to gain a life long friend in the bargain. She noted that she had few friends and thought this was a sure way to remedy that problem. After all, wouldn't the person who gave birth to my baby always be special to me? Wouldn't I want to be her life long friend? Following that reasoning, she wanted that friend to be me. I admitted that I started this process with that in mind, but lately had come to mistrust the possibility. I appreciated the compliment, avoided the red flag and agreed to think it over.
Mandy was real proactive. She left me phone messages, sent gifts and e-mailed me to remind us that she was excited. We were emotionally weary, but putting one foot in front of the other and saving our strength to nurse our need to have children.
Neither Keith or I had been satisfied about the way our agency handled us. We felt at times that we were rushed through decisions, over charged for services and only presented with the options other people had turned down. In addition, there had been painfully little concern for our emotional lives in the process and we thought that should have been part of the package. But, we had never done this before and given it is literally the business of making babies, we went along with the agency because none of it seemed truly normal deep down for us anyway. In a moment of poor judgment, I confided in Mandy some of those concerns with the agency when she prompted me for answers.
After a purchase of over $800.00 in drugs that had been delivered to Mandy's house for our cycle, she and I were scheduled to go together to the invitro doctor's office for some testing and procedure date planning. We were literally two weeks or less away from the invitro process. Mandy decided that she needed to 'save us from the agency' and asked the doctor's office if we could go it alone without the agency. That call triggered a call to the agency and the owner called me right up. She was angry - "Who did I think I was talking about going through the process without her?" On and onä.. Then she called Mandy and repeated the performance. Intimidated, Mandy gave up even more information and it came to a nasty head with the agency. So Keith and I set up a meeting with the agency at a local restaurant to discuss the course of action from this point forward.
The owner of the agency had brought her 'right hand woman' along. When I saw her I knew it was for liability purposes. They chatted up both my husband and I, being careful to smile and be so very surface nice. We got a table, ordered and then came the business.
It started out diplomatically, but we had been through quite a lot of hell and it showed. Right off the bat the 'right hand woman' informed me that Leslie, our most recent surrogate, had used our drugs and cycle she had canceled out on the night before our invitro and sold her eggs to someone else. Of course we weren't reimbursed for any of the expense involved and she made money on it. "But", the 'right hand woman' smiled sweetly, "she will be glad to donate her eggs to you free in return when you are ready. She feels so badly about what she did to you both." Unfortunately, my emotions got the best of me and I had to leave the room. I paced outside crying, our trust, our money, our hearts, our hopes, our dreams and she sold them to some other couple for eggs. No! No! No! I don't want her eggs - how horribly insensitive! How much do they want from us? How much can we take? When does it end? I took deep breaths, I calmed myself and I went back in. After all, I had left my husband in there alone with those women.
As soon as I sat down, the fake pity began. "Oh you poor thing. Did we say something to upset you? Are you going to be okay?" and it deteriorated to "Do you need to see a counselor?" It went from bad to worse. Then it went from worse to horrible. From horrible, hell was only a short walk. We were belittled for talking to the surrogate about our concerns with the agency, for having too much interaction with the surrogate, for sabotaging ourselves and for having a black cloud over our head. We tried to explain but the fake smiling faces and deaf ears just didn't care. The owner suggested more than once that I needed psychiatric care to my husband and by the time they deteriorated to "You know Lynn, the reason you don't have a child already is because you bring bad luck on yourself. It's your fault, all your fault", I was done. Keith was already way ahead of me. He had ordered the check. We paid the check for the uneaten food, fired the agency, requested a final bill from them and went home. They were sipping wine when we left and enjoying their free dinner. We will never be the same.
I cried much of the night and my husband seemed on the verge of it himself. We could only think that we had been too eager to have children and let it get in the way of poor judgment on our part. We overlooked all the agency red flags in our passion to be parents. For us there were no guidelines in surrogacy. We had been giving it our best shot and simply just wanted a baby. It was something so dear to our hearts and so extremely personal, that we actually thought other people would have no choice but to treat it the same way. Unfortunately, to some other people it is just a business and whether you are dealing with bicycles or babies, money is the bottom line. We had been taught a powerful lesson.
A few weeks later along with a very large bill, we received all the drugs and needles in a box that had been purchased for Mandy. All the drugs had been opened though at least half were unused. I opened the box and could not believe that anyone with an ounce of compassion could have actually mailed it to us. And maybe that was the problem.
For me, that box represents all my hopes for a baby to this point. We were $25,000 in debt and with exception of three frozen eggs, this is what we had to show for it. It was like having some monster in our house slowly sucking the air out of it.
I put off writing this because I just didn't have anything cheery to say. I know I undertook this writing mission for the purpose of seeing the humorous side of surrogacy and giving everyone hope, but the truth is that sometimes really nasty things happen. I've written this story at least five times trying to get something printable. In an effort to salvage this somehow, I want to at least pass along some of the things we have learned so far. Maybe it will keep it from happening to someone else or maybe it will even teach compassion to those who are dealing with these life changing events. Here it goes:
- It is a business. Say that to yourself
every day. Post it on your refrigerator. But do not attempt it
with an agency or surrogate who has no compassion. Even in the
toughest of businesses, that is still allowed. Here is it
essential.
- If you are the person who cannot have
children, don't let that cloud your judgment. You'll have to work
at it and try really hard. It won't ever be easy - accept that.
But put that behind you and leave the guilt out of it.
- If you are the person who can have
children supporting the person who cannot, remember to assure them
that you love them - babies or not - and you will be there.
Remember to stand up for them when they cannot speak or get past
the emotion. Remember to tell them what you are thinking and
feeling - don't make them guess. Remember to take care of their
hearts along with your own.
- Treasure every child. Push yourself past
your emotions, whatever they are and celebrate the birth of every
child, hug them, hold them, marvel at them and let that heal you.
It will, in ways you have never imagined. It will become a
blessing every single time.
- Decide if you want a life long
relationship with your surrogate or not and don't feel you owe
them something besides the money. Don't make things happen that
shouldn't otherwise. Just give it your best, put as much of
yourself in it as you can spare and maintain your own mental
health. Then see where the road takes you.
- Check your guilt at the door. Remember
always to stand up straight, tall and proud. You are on a quest
for love, for wisdom, for good and for your future. Stay the
course and don't be swayed. Remember all the people involved work
for you. Marvel at how many it takes to replace you!
- Realize that you will live if this does
not work out. Realize that you will contribute in some other way.
Don't give up, but don't run yourself into a brick wall either.
Have a plan - it will make the difficult days much easier to get
through.
- Get a hobby, get a job, volunteer or
repaint the outside of your house, but be sure you have something
else going for you besides the surrogacy process. At best it is a
waiting game. Fill in every second you can with something else. I
highly recommend volunteering with children. It will keep your eye
on the prize and put a lift in your step.
- Lastly, explore other alternatives. While
we would love to have at least a biological child by my husband,
we know that is not our only alternative. We were taught that
lesson by our Basset Hound, Frances. Frances was a rescue dog,
badly mistreated, underfed and terribly fearful when she came into
our lives. We spent many hours underneath the kitchen table
reading to her or just hanging out in her 'safe place' with her
until she felt secure enough to leave it. Seven years later, she
is a little too fat, extremely bossy, nosy and has to have the
last word. She's the first one in our laps and filled to the brim
with love. We cannot imagine our lives without her. She has taught
us well.
We are in a holding pattern. We are paying back the debt as quickly as possible and throwing ourselves into our work. We are not wealthy people and it will take some valuable time to regain our ground. Since this happened, I started a new business and it has kept me busy. It's not the 'business' I had hoped to be in by now - diapers, bottles, snuggles and cooing, but hopefully it will generate some money soon and get us closer to paying things off. I turned 42 in October and now the biological clock is banging so loudly, that even the neighbors are complaining about the noise!
I have to report that despite this setback, I
still have faith. Faith that there is a plan for us. Faith that
things work out for the best and faith that there is a purpose for
everything. Meanwhile, we are pressing on. Our Juliet and Dave had a
beautiful, healthy, baby boy in October and we are cuddling him at
every available moment. Their son Zach started school and is reading
to us now. It is a delicious pleasure. At the end of each day, we
still have each other and we still have a lot to give. I don't think
we have a black cloud over our heads at all. Oh contraire! I think
February 1999
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Make Perfect Sense!" may be obtained by contacting TASC.
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