Isinglass Curtains
By: Lynn
We took a little sabbatical. We went almost a month with no mention
of babies, no ticking clocks and no pressure. And even though we knew
there were still three frozen little eggs somewhere just waiting for
a nice warm spot to hang out in, we wallowed in the luxury of the
peace that total denial afforded us. We needed a break and we gave
ourselves one.
But after about three weeks, we began to talk about how to pursue it again. We had a lot to discuss. It seemed apparent we needed to try at least one more time and use our three remaining eggs. We mulled over finances one entire Sunday afternoon and decided we just had to afford it somehow. If we are lucky and get pregnant the next time around, we might be out of surrogacy debt before the children go to school. We asked ourselves, 'How long do you follow your dreams?'. But time and time again, we simply agreed it was a priority in our lives, so we called the agency and said we were back in the game.
I generally always have some song running through my head. Background music - my Mother used to call it. You can wake me up in the middle of the night or stop me at any point during the day and I can tell you what song is currently playing. The hits just keep on coming! After we called the agency though, the soundtrack got stuck. The same thing kept playing over and over in my head. It was driving me crazy until I stopped long enough to realize what it was. Then, it made all the sense in the world to me. It was "The Surrey With The Fringe On Top" from the soundtrack of "Oklahoma!".
Let me hum a few bars for you here. (You might want to bounce around in your seat while you read this for proper effect.):
"Chicks and ducks and geese better scurry
When I take you out in the surrey,
When I take you out in the surrey with the fringe on top!"
Ahhhh! You remember it now don't you? So keep on singing with me:
"Watch that fringe and see how it flutters
When I drive them high steppin'strutters
Nosey pokes'll peek thru' their shutters and their eyes will pop!
The wheels are yeller, the upholstery's brown,
The dashboard's genuine leather,
With isinglass curtains y' can roll right down,
In case there's a change in the weather."
La, La, La, ta dum, dum da da daä La, La, La, dum, dum da da daä.
Yeah, you got it, catchy isn't it? You can just see Laurie and Curly sitting in that surrey clip clopping down the road. It's a wonderful piece of musicää unless it plays over and over in your head, night and day, day and night!
But it was all about the isinglass curtains. My brain was trying to tell me that what my husband and I needed was a different attitude for this next chance at invitro. We needed to be sure we had our own isinglass curtains we could roll right down, because we had already seen some pretty hefty changes in the weather. I talked to Keith and even though he didn't want to sing the song with me, he agreed that we probably should be distant this time, less involved with the process and more business like. We would simply do our best to remain aloof and go on with our daily lives, with this as just a little side venture. We made a pact to try and do just that, and I thought I would get new music, but the song still didn't go out of my head.
I know it's still rolling around in your mind, so let's sing out a big finish:
"Hush, you bird, my baby's a-sleepin'!
Maybe got a dream worth a-keepin'
Whoa! You team, and jist keep a-creepin' at a slow clip clop.
Don't you hurry with the surrey with the fringe on the top!"
It was a reminder that miracles aren't always achieved overnight. It's been well over a year now and this slow, clip, clop is sure getting old, but we can't hurry it.
As soon as I realized it, I went straight across the street and visited my friends with the eighteen month old twins. We played, laughed, chattered and snuggled. And it's true, we do have a dream worth keepin'.
Blowing kisses goodbye to the babies through the door as I left, I realized my hope had been restored. And on the way back across the street, the song had changed. James Taylor was singing the "Secret O' Life":
"The secret of life is enjoying the passage of time.
Any fool can do it, there ain't nothing to it.
Nobody knows how they got to the top of the hill.
But since we're on our way down, we might as well enjoy the ride.The secret of love is in opening up your heartä..
It's okay to feel afraid, but don't let it stand in your way.
'Cause everyone knows that love is the only road.
And since we're only here for a while,
We might as well show some style.Give us a smile now. Isn't it a lovely ride?
Sliding down and gliding down,
Try not to try too hard, it's just a lovely ride."
Thanks James. Guess I won't be needing the isinglass curtains after all.
February 1999
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