Standing On The Promises
By: Lynn
You know, it's true. I did promise I would come and help take care of
my sister's baby when she had one. Of course that was a zillion years
ago when I really didn't think she would ever have children! But here
we were, we two, having gone through a whole lot of life and now she
was actually someone's mother. When, she wanted to know, was I going
to come? She of the sleep deprived, nursing around the clock jet set
was eagerly anticipating another pair of hands and perhaps a little
hug or two herself.
And that wasn't the only baby I had promised to visit. Less than an hour away from my sister, my brother's little girl was almost six months old and had yet to lay eyes on her Aunt Lynn. I did the only thing I could do, I called the airlines.
I arrived on my sister's doorstep and saw a completely different person than the old friend I had known for so long. There was something new in her eyes and it was obvious she had grown up quite a bit in the last few weeks. Suddenly, she was a Mother and it had changed her for the better. She was exhausted, but still capable of a great hug and her son was simply adorable. It was nothing short of a miracle.
I was relieved to know it still all came naturally to me, even in the middle of the night right from the first little whimper in the crib. All those wonderful sounds and smells of a baby! Even sleep deprived myself, it renewed my energy.
Packing for the first big overnight trip out of the house with the baby was like preparing for a royal visit. My brother in law suffered separation pangs and my sister refused to leave anything belonging to the baby at home. Finally packed to the gills and exhausted from the process, we managed to get on the road. In the next hour, we talked about how incredible a baby really is and he slept through the whole conversation.
My brother's baby greeted us with the biggest giggly smile I have ever seen and she was such a joy! Her proud parents were obviously relieved to be past the every two hours initial schedule. My mother rounded out the family affair and it was great to see them all again plus two. I thought it would be extremely difficult for me, but how can you have a pity party when there is so much to be thankful for?
Back at home, Leslie began her Lupron in preparation for the next cycle. I was getting around a little better after two foot surgeries and job searching. Leslie flew in for her ultrasound and we got along easily. Unfortunately we stopped to get gas on the way to the doctor's office and the guy at the counter asked us if we were related. Leslie said, "In a wayä.yes." The guy said, "Don't tell me, let me guess. You two are mother and daughter!" Grinning and so proud of himself he wasä. We laughed - well Leslie laughed more than I did. I couldn't think because my biological clock was ticking so loud!
The doctor pronounced Leslie in superb condition and we made a date for invitro the following Monday. Leslie would fly back early that morning, we would go straight to the clinic and by nightfall, fingers crossed, we would be pregnant. I was getting excited in spite of myself.
Leslie and I talked through the remainder of the week and all was on schedule. I began to plan what movies to rent, food to prepare and magazines to buy for her room. It was Marine Corps drill weekend for my husband and he took the cell phone just in case we should need him.
Sunday morning at 8:15 a.m., Leslie called and said she had changed her mind. She said she just couldn't go through another negative test and she wasn't going to do it after all. I could hardly believe it! I tried to talk to her, but she had nothing else to say. Finally, she agreed to talk to her pastor after church that day and then call me. By three o'clock, I had heard nothing and the invitro clinic needed an answer about thawing the eggs. Her husband told me she had gone to the mall. I called the mall and had her paged, but nothing. No call ever came. Finally, all too aware that it had come to an end yet again, I told the invitro clinic not to thaw the eggs. My husband and I were crushed along with our hopes.
I left a message at Leslie's house for her to call us and finally about 9 p.m., she did. Again, all she said was she wouldn't be there and she wasn't doing it. No apologies, no explanationsänothing. Almost one year of hard work, emotional stress, anticipation and lots of money down the drain in one phone call.
I cannot recall how many times I stood beside my family in church and sang "Standing On The Promises". I cannot recall how many times I heard my father say that a person was only as good as their word. I cannot recall how many times my mother said, "You better think about things long and hard before you commit to them because once you do, you can't turn back. People depend on you. It's your responsibility to do the right thing."
I can recall many times I did what I promised I would do when I would rather have run like hell in the other direction. But with few exceptions, it always made me a stronger, better person. It sure made me think about what I committed to before I did. I am sure she had her reasons and I might even eventually accept that it was for the best, but mostly, it was an extremely difficult end to a lot of hard work and emotion.
Less Number One Million, Five Hundred and Eighty-Three: Everyone doesn't think like me.
February 1999
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