SURROGACY, THE SHORT VERSION OF MY TALE
By: A Surrogate
Surrogacy. To most it's like a dirty word. To some
it's a godsend. People always seem to associate surrogacy with Mary
Beth Whitehead and the Baby M case. Little do they realize that
surrogate mothers, in most cases, are far from that. I have been a
surrogate mother four times, and in each case, none of the couples I
worked with would have ever considered using a surrogate mother until
they were asked about it. They were all seeking to adopt a
baby.
I chose to work with an "adoption" attorney (he is actually family law) for three of my four pregnancies. When I worked with a clinic during my second pregnancy, I felt that it was all too professional. Not a cozy environment. I have always taken a real casual approach to working with couples. I was always paid monthly - this because I was not married and didn't have a boyfriend or family member that I could fall back on if I was too sick to work. I was only twenty when I became pregnant with my first baby. I was so sick (I literally thought that I was dying!) that I ended up living with the couple I was working with. I know that probably sounds odd, but I am glad that it worked out that way. I really feel that it helped with giving them our son. This couple really took a chance with me. I had never been pregnant, I was very young and I had never raised a child of my own. Who was to say that I wouldn't change my mind? Childbirth is an incredible experience - one that forever changes your life. My living with them, too, helped the couple go through my pregnancy with me. The five months of morning sickness, the headaches, etc. We even took Lamaze together, although, only their family members knew of the situation, and even their families were against them working with me until they met me themselves. They had already stereotyped me. I had only told a couple of my friends what I was doing and they were all very supportive. In fact, they were excited for me. My family, on the other hand, didn't want to see me until after I had the baby. They always made me feel as if I was doing something wrong.
Giving up my first child was not easy, not because of him, but because I had become so attached to the couple and their family. I never became this close to any of the other families that I worked with for fear of getting hurt again.
Each family that I worked with was very different - not all of them did I get along with, but I always felt that just because we might not get along all the time or I might not agree with all the things they said or did, this did not make them bad people or, potentially bad parents. I chose not to ever see any of the four children after they were born. I only requested that they stay the night with me in my hospital room after they were born, just so that I could say good-bye. The hospitals never knew of our situations. We always acted like I was going home with the baby. I felt this was easier than telling the hospital because it would seem so unnatural. I wanted it to be a smooth transition for me, not "okay, you just went through this incredible experience, thank you but, we'll be taking the baby now." Plus, after my first baby was born, somehow word got out that it was an adoption and they only let me have 15 minutes alone with him before they took him from me. The hospital staff was very cold and uncaring towards me. They didn't realize that I was still going home with this couple. The baby had come almost three weeks early. I hadn't had time to move. Anyway, I was just too doped up to protest.
I now rarely ever speak with the couples anymore. I receive pictures every now and then, which is fine. I don't really want to be in the children's lives because I never really felt they were mine, so why should I be? I don't feel any attachment for them. Maybe this is because I never had any children of my own.
I chose to become a surrogate mother because I wanted a bloodline. I was adopted and never felt close to my family. I was completely opposite from them in looks, personality, etc. I wanted to know that there was a part of me out there. I just didn't want the responsibility of raising a child at nineteen or twenty. I was so happy when my first child was born. I knew he was meant to be. Not only did I become pregnant with him on the first attempt, but he looks exactly like me and has my personality (all my surrogacies were AI.) This was all I ever wanted. I enjoyed my experience with the first family so much that I wanted to help others. I never wanted to work with the same family twice because I wanted to give other couples a chance. I wanted to create other families.
I don't know how I will ever tell my future husband or children about my experiences as a surrogate mother, or if I even will, because that first baby I have as my own, to me, will be my "first." That baby will be going home with me, it's mother. :-)
Copyright 1997. The American
Surrogacy Center, Inc.(TASC), Marietta, GA
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