One Surrogate's Experience
By: A Surrogate Mother
I began my surrogacy one day as I was browsing
the local paper. I spotted an ad from an agency searching for
surrogates. My husband and I had discussed our thoughts about this
before and both agreed that it was a wonderful concept, so I showed
him the ad and asked him what he thought about me doing it. We
already had three children of our own, and weren't planning for
anymore.
We discussed it over the following days. What would our friends say? How would it affect us as a couple. What would we tell our own kids and families? And, yes, we also discussed how the money would be of help to us.
We decided to proceed with just a call.I placed the call and was asked my race, features and marital status. The agency told me that I matched up with a few of their clients, and they would get back to me.I thought okay, maybe in a few months I'll hear something.Imagine my surprise when two days later they called asking if they could give my number to a couple. I said yes, and recieved a call that evening.The couple and I talked, and then all four of us talked. They said they'd like to meet us, so they set up a time in two weeks that they would fly up.
Well, we met, talked some more, and they said they would get back to me.They called a week later and we began our journey. The agency was no longer involved. It was us and the lawyers. We began the contract agreement which took the longest. I almost decided to back out at that time; it was so stressful. I didn't want all this hassle; I just wanted to give someone the special gift of a baby. We worked it out finally, did all the testing, and began the process.
Our first try was AI with frozen sperm. It didn't work, so the next month the husband flew to the clinic and we tried again...this time it was successful. I was pregnant.
After about four months, they began to want different things than what the contract stated. I began to worry. If I didn't go along with what they wanted, would they drop out? I was already pregnant. What would I do with the baby? My lawyer asked them to not discuss these things with me, so they asked me to get a different lawyer. I didn't though, and after they realized that it was causing me so much strees,they let up.
I realize they were just anxious for everything to go okay, but it was showing me signs of distrust, so I also began to distrust. I think I had a hard time connecting to the mother. I feel she stayed distant, maybe to keep from being hurt. This upset me because I so wanted this to be special for all of us.
Nearing my eighth month, they decided they wanted me to have the baby in a different state -- a state which gave them parental rights the minute the baby was born. I again felt they didn't trust me. I told them my doctor was against me traveling. They said "try a different doctor." I was not happy with that. I had a wonderful doctor who was looking out for my well-being as along with the baby's. I felt as though the couple didn't care what happened to me. My lawyer again stepped in and set the matter straight.
Then came time for the paternity papers. The husband didn't want to sign them until they had proof that the baby was his. We went round and round on this. We finally gave them an ultimatum -- either sign and take responsiblity now, or we can wait until the baby is born, put it in a foster home, and then wait for a blood test. They didn't want that anymore than I did, so he signed. I could understand their wanting to make sure the baby was theirs, but they didn't seem to understand that a test of that nature during pregnacy was a un-needed risk to the baby.
With everything settled (my lawyer finally just told them we are sticking by the contract...and that's that) the big day came. I was being induced, so they flew up and were present in the delivery room. About three hours later, a healthy baby girl was born. The doctor put her on my chest and I looked at her and thought "she's precious, but she's not mine", and with that, I called the mother over and said "Come and hold your baby girl."
The look that went over their faces was enough to make me forget all the trouble it had been. It was pure joy and love as they looked down at her. As I handed her to her Mommy and Daddy, I thought "okay, this is where I'll probably lose it" ...but I didn't. It felt like the most natural thing to give her to them...she was theirs.
Even after all the legal mumbo-jumbo problems that arose throughout the ordeal, I will say it has been the most wonderful experience! One I may even do again. There is one thing I forgot to mention. When we decided to first do the surrogacy, we lost our best friends. It was hard for us to lose them, but worth the trade for the happiness we made happen.
It has been just over a year now -- the baby just had her first birthday. I get pictures and send them pictures. We hope that one day when she is old enough, they can show her the pictures of the family that helped them make their family.
I would like to tell future surrogates to please have patience with the couple. They get the new parent jitters just like the rest of us do. And for the couple, please have trust in your surrogate. Remember, we are only trying to help you. And for both...communicate at all times. It will work out the best that way, with everyone knowing what the others' feelings are.
December 1996
Copyright 1996. The American Surrogacy Center, Inc.(TASC), Marietta, GA
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Guest commentary and representations by others do not necessarily reflect the opinions of the principals of TASC, and should furthermore be independently verified.
