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You're Not Bringing the Baby Home?
How I Told My Children About My SurrogacyBy: Melanie Hutchens
What steps are involved once you have made the decision to help a couple have a family? The decision to become a surrogate was not an easy one. A surrogate has many different issues to contend with, and I would say the most difficult one is telling your children. How do you explain to your five year old that mommy is going to have a baby, but the baby is not coming home with us
This is my story about four very special people in my life....my children.
When I began the surrogate process, my children's ages were 13, 4, 2, and 13 months. I would like to tell you about each child, and their reaction to this process at the time, as well as how they view it now.
JASON was at the age where he worried about everything. It was that coming of age process that all boys seem to go through. His main concern was, what will his friends think if his mom is pregnant? Surrogacy was not the problem here, it was his age. I found out quickly, when children reach a certain age, moms are supposed to act a certain way....old! It just is not cool for your mom to be pregnant when you're 13 going on 14! Jason found a way to cope with this embarrassing situation for him....he just did not claim me as his mother for nine months!
Despite this "public" attitude, Jason turned out to be my best friend throughout the process. He always praised me for what I was doing, and cried with me when someone would "put me down". The couple I worked with lives in Belgium, so Jason was able to learn some of the French language, which really impressed his girlfriend!
When I went into labor, Jason said he had to talk to me before I left. My first thoughts were, how much money do you need? What do you want to do while I am gone? After all, he was your typical, rebellious, know-it-all teenager. On this morning, Jason was everything but that....Jason said to me, with a tear in his eye...."Mom, I know this baby will be my half brother or sister, but I want you to know, I am OK with this. I feel like I am doing this too. You are my mom. I am your son, and only as we stand here now, is this baby ours. Tomorrow this baby will be their baby, not just because you became pregnant for them, because our family had the desire to help them....become a family."
UPDATE ON JASON:
Jason is soon to be 20 years old, and I have been a surrogate for the same family a second time. He will frequently ask me if I have received any new pictures. He enjoys hearing about the children's progress growing up, and enjoys looking at pictures. Jason has said he would love to meet them someday, since, as he puts it, they are a part of him....he will forever be bonded.
JAYME was a very curious four year old, I knew explaining this to him would not be so simple. I just could not say...."Mommy is going to carry a baby for another couple because her tummy is broken." I must admit though,....I did try using that explanation. He didn't accept it. So I spent the next three to four hours explaining what infertility was, how it affects some people, and why mommy wanted to help. It was not as easy as it sounds. His concerns (in this order) were....Was it going to hurt me? Would he get to see the baby? Will this make daddy mad? How does the doctor put the baby in my tummy? Will I love the baby as much as I love him? Will the baby go home from the hospital with me? His last concern was...."Mommy, if I am bad, will you give me away?" I'm sure by now you realize, I had much explaining to do!
Was it going to hurt me?
No, the doctor will take from the daddy what is needed to make a baby inside mommy. Guess what? Jayme wanted to know what it was the doctor takes from the daddy, and why his daddy and I had not done it that way? Keep in mind, Jayme had been tested and results showed that his thought process was three to four years ahead of his age. It finally hit me. I was not dealing with a four year old here. I was talking to an eight year old in a four year old body! At this stage of the conversation, I began wondering...."Where is that Dear Abby person?" I would settle for Calgon right now....OK, I can do this...."Jayme, do you remember when we were taking that bike ride a couple of weeks ago?" "Yeah." "We saw the two dogs on the neighbors lawn, remember that?" "Yeah." "Well, that is almost the same way a man would get a woman pregnant. The doctor takes the fluid from the man and puts it in the tummy of the woman. That is why it is called artificial, because it is not the natural way of getting pregnant. It is the artificial way to do it." "Well mommy, does that mean the baby will not be cute, or smart? I mean you buy those "Pop Tarts" that say artificial, and that cheese, and sometimes even cereal. They do not taste good because they are artificial. And, if the doctor puts the baby in your tummy, why can't you tell him to put puppies in your tummy? I want a puppy, will you help me have a puppy?" At this point, I scooped him up, put him in the car and drove straight to the library. We looked at books, viewed video tapes, and I gave Jayme a more thorough explanation. He left the library understanding what artificial insemination meant and how it was done.
"Will I be able to see the baby?"
Of course, you are a very special part of this. Jayme, this couple told me they think you are very special, and they would be very happy if someday they could have a child....as special as you."
Their son, Jayme's half brother, entered this world on May 2, 1990. Jayme entered this world on May 2, 1985. I could not have asked for a better gift for Jayme.
"Will this make daddy mad?"
"No, Daddy is very happy to be a part of this, and he will help in any way he can." Jayme witnessed his daddy pace the hospital floor with the baby's daddy while I was in labor. Jayme was reassured daddy really is OK about this.
"Will you love the baby as much as you love me?"
"I am giving this baby life; I will always love this baby. My dear little boy, you are in my heart and soul, I need you to keep my heart beating. A person can love another person and feel content without them in their lives. My love for you runs much deeper....I would not be content without you in my life."
"If am bad, will you give me away?"
"Never in a million years! If anyone tried to take you from me, I would wish all the good Knights in your book into reality, and we would fight to the finish, because, without you my darling....my heart will not beat."
UPDATE ON JAYME:
Jayme will be eleven on May 2. He revealed to me only last week that every year as he blows out his birthday candles, his only wish has been for his half brother...."Have a Happy Birthday, Eddy."
Jayme enjoys pictures and updates of the children. He would like to meet them one day. Until that day comes, he has no doubt they are taken care of and loved very much. Jayme has learned so much about surrogacy, he now understands everything from embryo transfer to artificial insemination. Last month, Jayme heard a negative remark about surrogate mothers while watching the news. His response was,...."Mom, people who say things like that do not understand surrogacy, and besides, they do not know everything you have to go through when you're a surrogate. You know, it just takes someone special....like you, Mom."
LESLEY, my daughter at 2 years old, and my third son JUSTIN at 13 month old, were very young during this time. Leslie is now eight, and Justin is now seven. I have explained to them (without making a trip to the library), and now there is some level of understanding. Both of them would like to see the children, but they also made it perfectly clear....no more kids can live here, but they will accept a puppy!
This is my story, or I should say my children's story. I'm sure someday very soon, I will be making that trip to the library with Justin and Lesley. I may do it differently this time; I still wonder....where is that Dear Abby person when you need her?
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