The Importance Of Professional Guidance
In Third Party Reproduction
By: Jeanne Vlietstra
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One of the universal desires we share as human beings is the desire to have children. Most of us take it for granted that we will be able to have children when we decide we are ready. Unfortunately, approximately 20% of couples trying to conceive a child will discover they are unable to do so without the assistance of fertility experts. For some of these couples fertility treatment will not be successful. They must then consider egg donation, adoption, the help of a surrogate mother, or accept that they will not be parents. In these times of overwhelming choices it is often difficult to know what the correct choice is. Never is the correct choice more important than when planning your family
Adding to your family with the help of a third party can be a rewarding and fulfilling solution. Reproductive technology and medical protocols have advanced rapidly over the past two decades. These advances have profoundly affected the choices available to couples experiencing fertility issues.
Once a couple has decided to explore the option of creating their family with the help of a surrogate mother, many new concerns become apparent. One of the most important decisions to make is to what degree you will engage the assistance of professionals experienced working with surrogate arrangements. Unless you have the guidance of experienced professionals it is not possible to know the questions to ask, much less the answers.
Anyone with enough time, energy and access to the internet can design and build a car, a house or a bomb without the help of professional direction. The same is true of finding a woman to act as a surrogate mother and coordinating all the details involved in the process. However, there are many potential problems when venturing into third party reproduction and it will serve you well to have an experienced guide to clear the way. These issues that inevitably arise have the potential of tainting what should be a time of joy and great expectation. When you make the decision to forgo the guidance of professional, you must be willing to accept your limited knowledge of what the potential problems may be and what possible solutions will be helpful.
At the very least, it is important to call on experts such as a doctor, an attorney and a mental health professional for advice and recommendations. It is possible that you will save money by devoting your time to scheduling and managing the professionals involved for your surrogate mother, her family and yourself. It is more likely that you will spend the same amount or more. In addition to not saving money, it is likely that you will become exhausted, frustrated and uncertain you have made appropriate choices. Ask anyone you have ever known who has built a house without the help of a general contractor—they will tell you how stressful and time consuming the job was.
The couple and surrogate mother who decide to proceed without the support of an experienced coordinator with a history of assisting in surrogacy relationships, put at risk the opportunity to enjoy each other as families coming together to achieve a common goal. This relationship becomes a very big part of the child’s legacy and should be protected.
There have been over 12,000 documented surrogacy arrangements over the past two decades. Less than 1% of the women who carried a child for a couple have attempted to keep the child. Whether or not you rely on the help of an agency, the surrogate mother will give you your child 99.9% of the time. The women who are willing and able to help a couple by carrying their child feel an incredible sense of responsibility for that child. In order for her to feel successful in her desire to help a couple she must have a healthy pregnancy and give birth to a healthy baby.
Most couples cannot conceive of why a woman would want to help them. Without developing an understanding of her motivations it is not possible for them to truly respect the surrogate mother and her family. Even when they do understand it is difficult for them to know how to express their gratitude and appreciation in a way that is appropriate for their surrogate mother. It is not uncommon for surrogate mothers to misunderstand the stress or fear a couple experiences while working toward conception and during the first trimester. Many times the surrogate will lose sight of the true value of their gift because they are focused on external influences.
The greatest benefit to you and your surrogate mother when working with the help of an agency is the freedom of not having to communicate directly about the business side of the arrangement including finances and legal issues.
If you are considering having your child with the help of a surrogate mother I strongly recommend that you allow a professional agency to take care of the logistics of the arrangement. Be free to enjoy your surrogacy journey as a personal experience—a story to share lovingly with your child.
June 2001
Copyright 2001. The American Surrogacy Center, Inc.(TASC), Kennesaw, GA
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