Surrogate Parenting Overview
Author: Colleen
Holmes
Visit the new TASC website at www.surrogacy.com
Surrogate Parenting in the 90's is a rapidly changing business. In the past
there were only a few places to go if you wanted to explore having a child
through surrogacy. Now, more and more programs are popping up and the industry
as a whole is growing at a rapid pace. What other business do you know of that
has such a captive clientele? These couples are fresh from the infertility
trenches, shell-shocked, financially strapped, and reeling from the discovery,
often after tens of thousands of dollars spent on treatment, that there has
been no cure. They cannot have a baby together. Plain and simple.
But there is one more chance. Surrogacy. It is a wonderful option. Couples can still have their own genetic child if they use In Vitro Fertilization, or, at the very least, have the genetic child of the husband in the case of Artificial Insemination. It seems miraculous that there are women out there who will offer to have their baby. . . even if it is for a fee.
The huge expense of surrogacy, however, does not solely rest on the surrogate mother's shoulders. The average cost for Gestational Surrogacy, using the In Vitro fertilization technique, is roughly $45,000. This includes the surrogate's fee of between $12,000 to 15,000. The surrogate agency fee is usually between $12,000 and $16,000 and the fee for the IVF procedure, depending on the clinic chosen, could be up to $10,000. This estimate also takes into account the miscellaneous expenses of the psychological evaluations, medical testing of all parties prior to the signing of any agreement between the surrogate mother and the couple, legal services and the surrogate mother's expenses during the pregnancy.
At times, the extraordinary amount of money seems almost abhorrent . While most people can find justification for the medical, legal and professional expenses, It seems the surrogate mother herself bears the brunt of most of the financial controversy. It is very hard to argue with people who believe that surrogacy is baby-selling. They usually have two or three children themselves and have never known the depth of the pain associated with not be able to have their own biological children. They think infertile couples should adopt all the unwanted children in the world, and that most surrogate mothers are poor, uneducated women who only do it for the money. Unfortunately, most media coverage of surrogacy supports that theory.
Nothing could be further from the truth. Surrogate mothers represent what is best about our society. Studies have shown that they are usually high school graduates with some college; they view their children as one of the most important things in their lives, and they truly want to help another couple experience the joy of parenthood. They have a deep and genuine concern for other people. In this day and age, that attitude can be looked upon as "unhealthy" and co-dependent behavior. Why is it that selfishness is regarded as "taking care of your own needs¾ and deemed healthy, while an act of genuine kindness is sometimes viewed as needy?
Of course the money is an important aspect. The surrogate mom is not being compensated for selling a full-term child, but for taking the risks associated with a pregnancy, for putting her life on hold for almost a year while she undergoes various medical tests and procedures, and submitting to psychological testing and extensive background checks.
For many surrogate mothers the money represents a way to contribute to their family without having to work outside their home and put their kids in day care. It can mean the difference between owning or renting a home or having a pile of debt wiped clean.
The hourly wage a surrogate mother earns based on the average fee of $12,500.00 is $2.01 per hour. For that amount, the surrogate mom is willing to risk death or permanent disability. She enters into the arrangement knowing that this will probably be the most difficult thing she's ever done in her life. What about the effect on her own family? How will her kids ever understand why she gave that baby away? Will they think that she will give them away, too? Will her husband understand her grief when it's over? How will he handle not being able to make love to his wife for a month or more at a time? These are just some of the very real issues the surrogate mom has to face.
Sometimes, an unsuitable surrogate mother candidate will fall through the cracks of the initial screening process. These are the women who do it only for the money without any regard for their own family, or for the family they are helping to create. They are basically unsavory characters, sometimes with criminal backgrounds or drug problems. The first question they normally ask is "How much?¾ and "How soon do you get it?" Most of the time these people are weeded out very early on. It's very important that proper background checks be done to ensure that the candidate is indeed telling the truth.
There are also some candidates who truly will be psychologically damaged by the process of becoming a surrogate mother. Women who have recently had an abortion or miscarriage and are trying to replace the baby they lost will not be accepted into any good program. Quite a few women will have an abortion or miscarriage at some time during their reproductive lives. This does not rule them out. It's only when the loss has occurred within the last year that it becomes cause for concern.
If a potential candidate is in an abusive relationship or if their life is in a great amount of emotional upheaval such as a pending divorce etc., the stress of a surrogate pregnancy might just be what pushes even a strong individual over the edge. It is for their well being as well as for the good of the couple that these women be urged into counseling and told that they can possibly try again later when they are back on their feet. A woman who feels isolated and alone during a surrogate pregnancy will be ill-equipped to handle the range of emotions that comes with giving up the baby at the end.
The ideal candidate is a married woman with at least one child living at home, who has a loving, supportive husband willing to be involved in the entire process. He might very well be called upon to give his wife daily injections of the medication necessary to sustain the pregnancy and it will be he who has to take on more and more of the household responsibility as the pregnancy progresses. The surrogate mother also needs the support of her close friends and family to be able to adjust to all the changes in her life, before, during and after the pregnancy.
The role of the surrogacy program is that of coordinator, mediator and referral service. The staff will serve as the touchstone for the couple and the surrogate mother. They will usually orchestrate the medical and psychological testing, make referrals to the appropriate attorneys, IVF clinics and insurance companies, and administer the trust account set up to provide for the surrogate mother's estimated expenses.
It should be pointed out that a surrogacy arrangement can be done without the use of a program. Couples can advertise for their own surrogate and then set out to find the appropriate medical and legal support. The benefit of this kind of arrangement is obvious. It will save the couple the program's fee of between $12,000.00 and $16,000.00 and put the couple in control of the situation. However, is this really something the couple wants to do? Does the couple want to be haggling with their surrogate over minor details such as a maternity clothes allowance or insurance premiums? The answer lies with the couple themselves. If they have the time and the energy necessary, it could be a huge money saver. However, their surrogate mother needs to have a place where she can feel safe to talk over potential problems in the relationship. There is no other relationship in life that is as demanding as this one and personality conflicts are sure to arise. Having a back up plan is imperative if the couple is to navigate their own surrogacy arrangement. A neutral third party can do wonders to ease any tension between the couple and surrogate mother.
Since the surrogacy industry is booming, prices for services are starting to come down. With a little research, a couple might be able to find a smaller surrogacy program that offers the same range of services as one of the larger ones, at a fraction of the price.
It is important that these smaller programs have some kind of track record and that they are registered with the American Society for Reproductive Medicine or some other agency such as the Better Business Bureau. The couple will be entrusting tens of thousands of dollars of their hard-earned money to cover the surrogate mother's fee as well as any expenses she might incur as a result of her pregnancy. It is not "play money," though at times it must certainly feel like that. The couple needs to be sure that the program will still be in business when it comes time to disburse the funds, and that they can be trusted to perform the duties that are outlined in their contract with the couple.
Despite the negative publicity, large financial burden, and panic over whether the surrogate mother will be able to give up the baby, surrogacy is here to stay. It is important that both the couple and the surrogate mother do their homework in choosing the kind of program to go with, if at all, and for them to look deep within their hearts and judge whether or not they have what it takes to go ahead. A good counselor is a great first step, along with reading everything written on the subject.
There are wonderful on-line support groups to join via America Online and Prodigy. Internet news groups such as alt.infertility can provide great insight into what other couples are going through.
It's important for couples and surrogate mothers to know that there are many people out there doing exactly what they are doing and they are not alone. There really is safety in numbers and a little research goes a long way.
For more information contact your local RESOLVE chapter or OPTS, the Organization of Parents Through Surrogacy.
Colleen Holmes is a former surrogate mother and now runs her own surrogacy and ovum donor program called The Mother Goose Connection in Glen Ellen, California. For more information, please phone (707) 996-3062.
